Road To NOT Joy

Last night at dance rehearsal, it began with Phoebe making us stretch. She was making us do acro stretches which I got hurt from so I wasn't doing well. I didn't try. Then, after that Kate said she wants us to bond as friends not dancers so we played truth or dare (again). Everyone was daring people to do things and making people tell... the... truth? Okay then. I don't know what that was about. Anyway, Emily asked me truth or dare and I chose truth. She asked if I was 100% commited to my relationship with James. I kind of stalled because... no. I wasn't. I wasn't commited to it 100%. Finally, I lightly said no. James was mad. He looked at me like, "What?!" I appologized. That didn't seem to work. Then, it went silent. Everyone continued playing while James watched me write in my notebook with my polk-a-dot blue pen. He saw me hesitiating to write some thing than finally I wrote, "He assumes I broke up with him. He assumes right." So, he looked at me and said, "So you are breaking up with me?" I sat silent. "I don't know," I said quietly. When I said I wasn't 100% commited to the relationship, what I meant was we just got back from a huge fight. He was kissing Beth and I can't trust him yet. I meant to say in the future I'll trust him. I wish I said that. So after that I was silent as I continued to write. I stopped. I went through all my pages and looked madly and almost crying at one of my pages saying Jiley was for real. Everyone stared at me. Finally, I grabbed on to the page. Then, I tore it out! Everyone was shocked. I ripped it into pieces and sat there crying. Miss Kate saw what I did and called me into my office. She was talking to me asking questions. She hugged me and let me cry. She said dance rehearsal was over. I went out and collected the page that I accidently tore out and put it back in the book and I grabbed my bag and stormed out later followed by James who went the opposite direction of me. Soon, I arrived home and my mom said, "How was dance, Riley?" I just ran into my room crying. She came up and went inside my room and sat beside me. She hugged me. She got me to explain. I did kind of lied to her. I made my side seem a little bit more innocent than I was. I kind of mixed it in with the first break up, when he kissed Beth. She finally left when I calmed down a little bit. Because when I explained it to her, I was crying so hard. Then, later on Emily came inside of my room. I cried to her so hard. I told her how I felt about everything. When I fell asleep, she was still with me. When I woke up hours later at about 4am, she was gone. That was the worst night of my entire life. I miss James. I miss everything. This was my journey from Road To Joy to Road To NOT Joy.